Know Your Girth

I don't have a whole lot on my brain today. It's Monday morning, got a great ride in up at Ringwood yesterday with Bill, Ben, and Fred. Saturday I was off the bike because I slept in and missed my window to ride. Not quite rested enough because Julia is once again sick, waking up a lot, and blah blah blah.

Cycle 48

I'm just guessing on the cycle number now.

Victim: New Providence, white, woman, 40-49, married, not regular, fat. This is the first time I'm sharing the seat with a fat woman. We're not talking 250 pounds of hunka hunka burning love but there's enough width here to make the ride uncomfortable and make me question once again what the hell it is I'm doing with this stupid experiment. Looking around at the 3 seaters though they're all full, so I'd be packed in anyway.

Ok so if you're a hunka chunka wider load person I think you gotta check your girth settings at the door and sit with someone more amenable to your taking up over half the seat. I'm sitting here sardined between the wall of the train and eternal softness. I'm not someone who is easily bugged out but this is kinda gross. I'm really not looking to know what the softness of your wide thighs feel like on the Monday morning ride into work or, for that matter, ever. No, certainly not ever. That's ill.

Yeah I'm down with the idea that we all pay for the seats so we all have a right to sit. But there was an abundance of open seats when you sat down and you chose me in my orange Monday morning shirt? Why? What's worse is your meat limbs that you hold your newspaper up with are constantly violating my space. Finally, and I'm really not making this up, she kinda smells. I don't know if it's that garlic/onion smell some people get mixed in with the perfum she's wearing but it's pretty ill.

Ok get me off this train, it's starting to get nauseating.

Assessment: Good. Just kidding, Not Good. Bad. Awful. Check your girth.

Not Yet Winter

It's not winter yet but it's that time to admit that the Mike Tyson Uppercut that is the heart of summer is fading. We're nowhere near biting Summer's ear off or anything like that. But the signs are there and it would do you well to embrace it so you don't sound like the hundreds and thousands of drones in this conversation:

"Man, can you believe summer is over already?"

"Summer is so short. It seems like I was just shovelling my driveway."

"This weather is crazy."

"Incoherent babble."

"I agree, incoherently. Babble blububububububububub."

--------

This is how the conversation should go.

"Man, can you believe summer is over already?"

"Yes."

"Seems like..."

"Listen. It happens every year. After about June 22 every year, the days get shorter. Not everyone notices it though since it's usually like 100 degrees for 6 straight weeks. In fact, weren't you the same person who was complaining that it was too hot? And this was like 6 weeks after you were complaining that spring was too short, even though it was 2 months of beautiful weather this year?"

"But..."

"Furthermore, when people say the weather sucks in New Jersey you defend it vehemently and say you like the change in seasons. Can you at least be consistent?"

"I was just trying to make conversation."

"Why don't you talk about what book you're reading."

"Oh I got this great self improvement book 2 weeks ago."

"How is it?"

"I don't know, I haven't started it yet."

"What the hell do you do at night?"

"Watch American Idol reruns."

"Can I put the world out of its misery at having you on the face of the Earth?"

"Um, I guess so?"

--------

I for one welcome our new and all powerful overlords. Wait, I mean the cooler weather. Here are the signs that it's coming fast:

1. When I wake up at 5:00 it's still pitch black out.
2. I rode with long-sleeves yesterday.
3. Football is starting.
4. I'm sleeping without a fan some nights.
5. I'm 36 years old and as such am no longer surprised when fall follows summer for the 36th consecutive year. I hold out hope that one day we can jump directly to winter or just leapfrog right into an extended 9 month spring. But until then, I'm not going to be surprised that every year, summer does eventually come to an end.

Cycle 47

Victim: Oh shit possible hot blonde alert! After a series of frumpy Wall Street men I get a change of pace, thankfully. The data is Summit, white, woman, 30-39, married, not fat, regular. Blonde, in a business suit, has the Financial Times in her lap so she's one of these money people on the train. In her right hand she has a pink travel coffee mug with some sort of breast cancer awareness logo on it. She's kind staring straight off into space so I can't see what she really looks like. Like I said to Vinny, it's impossible to really get a good look at anyone who sits next to you on the train. Eventually I get a look and not hot after all.

Assessment: Good.

Monday Cares

I think ordinarily I would be going on about how useless I am right now, it being Monday morning and all. But since I went through the "no magic this year" post a few weeks ago let me just wake up today and tell you that yes, I have affirmed that there is still no magic in 2008 like I had hoped. I think I'm prepared to say that this year is more or less a failure in what I set out to do.

So you wake up one Monday morning. It's the first full week of August, you have about 10 weeks left in the biking season so most of your work is done for the year and when you look at it, you've done a fair job but you're fatter than any time in the last year and change and you know your goals are out of reach. Sure, you can get on a bike and go fast but not as fast as you want. So where does that leave you?

I don't care anymore, I can't care. I was supposed to do a race yesterday, the Dark Horse 40, but I simply didn't want to. No desire to do it so I said fuck it and passed. Why go do a race you just have no motivation for? Why force yourself to do something just for the sake of doing it, especially if you know it won't be worth the payoff?

So I did what any sensible person would do and drank heavily this past weekend. I started the weekend by riding with Bill Saturday morning, then doing TM up at Mahlon after the ride. Got home, grabbed a haircut, then off to South Jersey for lots of beer. I also played Guitar Hero for the first time ever and that game fucking kicks ass!

Then last night I had more beer. I'm just sliding right now. Well I was. Maybe this weekend will be a kick in the ass and I'll get going for real again this week. Well, let me rephrase that. This weekend has already been a kick in the ass to get things moving but the question is, will it move in the right direction or not?

Against all logic, I'm now considering the 24 hour race again. Those of you who really know me know that I make questionable decisions and this would be yet another one. But then you have to ask, why not? Well, I can think of a few reasons but I'm also thinking that maybe I'm going to say fuck it and go for it.

Cycle 46

Vinny asked me this weekend if I had come to any conclusions with my experiment and I have to admit that no, I have not. I'm about ready to wrap this up for now. Maybe in September when the train is full again I can open it up.

Victim: Summit, white, male, 40-49, married, not regular, not fat. Bad breath, almost bald but tries the combover. Dressed for NYC business. Listens to his IPod.

Assessment: Good, keeps to himself.

Nothing

I got nothing this morning to talk about so I'll ramble until something comes up. It's Tuesday which is normally a day I WFH but work is packed right now and I just don't get as much done at home as I do in the office. The laptop isn't comfortable enough nor is it the most powerful thing in the world. Plus I'm in a spot right now where I need to interface with people so off I go to the fattening pen.

Cycle 45

Victim: Summit, white, man, 30-39, not fat, regular, married. Not much to see here, average looking guy dressed to work in the city. Reads his paper and listens to his music. More or less ok but his shirt constantly rubs against my arm.

Assessment: not good. I forget what my options are.

Post by Jake

I'm going to let Jake have this post. Since he hammered out this lengthy comment it only seems fair:

Jake

thanks buddy, stuck tesla in my head, i appreciate that. as an advertising professional, i have used the word "signage" no less that 10,000 times in my life. i must admit, however, the oddness of the word never struck me as...um...odd. as an advertising professional, and having been in this vain industry for my entire career, i can tell you how it probably evolved from "signs" to "signage". i'll set the stage:

lunch. tuesday, sometime in the early to late 80's, but after the great tabacco fall out. madison ave's hayday. a group of ad guys are sitting around some over-priced steak joint on a "business lunch" drinking martini's and various other see-though beverages.

ad guy 1: jim, we have to increase sales in the area, but how? the game program revenue is out-pacing the sign revenue. what can we do? (takes sip of drink)

ad guy 2: well burt, i've been thinking (takes pull of marlboro followed by slug of beverage), we need to make these signs sound, more, i don't know...important?

ad guy 3: (already drunk) yeah! more important. like super signs!

ad guy 1: no, no. super signs isn't good. something with more 'pop'. excuse me, waiter, another martini please?

ad guy 4: (as he's chewing on his shrimp) what about signAGE?

ad guy 1: signage? what the hell is that?

ad guy 4: did i say that?

ad guy 2: yeah, you did, what the hell is that? hey, where's that waiter?

ad guy 3: wait, he may have something there...

and so it goes. ad people coming up with new ways to polish a turd to sell to advertisers at a premium.

----------

For the sake of completeness, let me fill in the remainder of this conversation.

Ad guy 1: do you guys like anal?

Ad guys 2-4: Hells YES!

----------

Cycle 44

Again, the number could be off. It doesn't really matter at this point so much anyway.

Victim: Some kid, 19-29, male, New Providence, not fat, not married, not regular. Just sits there with his eyes closed. Nothing of note.

Assessment: Good

The Life of a Blender

Don't ask me, sometimes there's just no useful title to give a blog post

Walter

"I've seen the new trains as well. Do you walk in and have the option to go up or down? Agree good call on the nixxing of the flip flop seats. A few days late but I bought Nicole the new Weezer and shes really liking it."

Each side, front and back, has 2 doors about 5 feet apart from one another. They both open up to this vestibule area where you can go up a few steps or down a few steps. Now that I think about it, this is another zero seat area which is surprising. I'm back on the 6:58 this morning because my ride got rained out and I'll be damned if I'm riding in the basement right now. This car holds 125 people if fully packed, which it never is because the seats up front are 2 facing 2. So you never have 4 people sandwiched in there unless you have train delays coming out of Penn Station. The Effective Full Capacity (tm Norm 2008) is 121. I should be back on the double decker tomorrow so I'll have to count how many people it can hold.

As we've established before, if Nicole likes music I probably like it as well, since she and I tend to share musical tastes more than you and I do. Though thanfully for you that doesn't go both ways, as there's plenty of stuff I listen to that I'm sure she was hate, and you would likely kill over.

BikNBen

"I don't read you blog for a while and now your taking pictures of women and posting them on-line. I think I need to pay more attention. ...and I thought planting a blow-up doll in the woods was going to get me in trouble. You a brave man! I think you should take the picture as you stroke her leg. Do I make you horney?!? Yeah Baby!!!"

You see, I'm here for you guys, my loyal readers. As I was pasting this comment into the post I got my victim for today and I may have to retract my decision to not take anymore pictures. There's no doubt that if I keep trying to get pictures of the girls I'm going to get burnt before too long, but like I said I'm here for the readers, the people who pay my salary.

I'm not sure how I would handle it if I got snagged. I think most people who just get uncomfortable if they caught me taking a picture but would say nothing. But you know someone would bust out an incredulous, "Are you taking a picture of me?" That could lead to an interesting discussion, but more importantly I would be tabbed as a pervert by the other regualar riders on the train. Maybe I could then turn the phone to video and post it on youtube?

Cycle 43

Sue me if the cycle number is wrong.

Victim: Tough call on age but I'll say 19-29, New Providence, woman, white, married, regular, not fat. Fairly tall and thin, diry blonde but mostly brown hair, nice build, not the best looking but the fat bald 45 year old guy across the aisle puts it into perspective. Wearing a blue and white striped (horizontal) shirt and grey slacks. Flip flops and a medium-big bag that she could probably use as an assault weapon. She crosses her arms and closes her eyes.

While I'm looking at her to describe her, and remember I'm all of 1 inch away from her so this is a fairly close condition you have on the train most days, she springs up, takes her phone out of her Assault Bag, and starts texting someone. I imagine her phone buzzed her with a message and she is replying.

Assessment: Good.

Music, Signage, Bake Sales, and Cycle 42

Music

I come and go with music. I'll get really hot and heavy with new music then tune out for long periods of time. This week I picked up again which will probably be of interest to Terren and Chris and few other people who read this. Well, Walter for sure since I'm generally not listening to anything that makes you want to pull out a weapon and destroy another human being, with the possible exception of a little Dr. Dre here and there.

Currently listening to Beck's Guero this morning on the way to work. I really liked this album at the time and as it blares in my iPod I find I'm still enjoying it. That's good considering I just ordered the new one. I jumped on half.com last night and ordered the following CDs:

* PJ Harvey's latest, White Chalk. I so loved Stories... that I basically buy up anything she produces in the hopes that it hits the same level of excellence.

* Thom Yorke's The Eraser. Of course the 2 interested parties know that Yorke is the frontman for Radiohead. It happened to pop up in a search I did so I added it on there. No real expectations either way but just a flier.

* Sufjan Stevens' Illinoise. This has been on my radar for 2 years so I just finally said fuck it and bought it. The used price is finally less than $10.

* Beck, Modern Guilt. Read it was worth it so there ya go.

* Satelite Party, Ultra Payloaded. I'm always interested in what Perry Farrell is doing these days. I read AllMusic's review of the album and it wasn't exactly glowing so much as it suggested that Farrell is talented but confused on this one. We'll see.

Also have a list of potential future purchases including new stuff from Sigur Ros, Ween, Black Keys, Eric Avery (who is incidentally considering a reunion with JA), Clinic, and Portishead. If you have any opinions on that stuff comment away.

Signage and Bake Sales

Can someone explain to me when the words sign and its plural form signs morphed into the word signage? What was wrong with sign? I read this last night:

"...as he hit a monster shot 502 feet off the right field signage..."

No he hit the ball off a fucking sign, an advetisement, very possibly for a product which gives you a 4 hour boner. Not signage. I'll even accept that the word signage can be used instead of signs, as in, "That empty storefront didn't have any signage indicating it was for rent." It's still pretty pedantic, but a little easier on the soul. But a sign is a sign. You don't stop at a stop signage.

The word sign has now started to not make any sense to me because I've said it too much. Sign. Sine. Cosine. Cosignage. He hit a mammoth shot 502 feet off the arctangent of right field bleachers in Yankee Stadium. I'm all for word evolution but adding "-age" to an existing word is as intelligent as Homer's business suggestion of taking an existing product and adding a clock to it.

OK, 180 turn because it doesn't deserve it's own section. The Moms Club my wife is in is having a bake sale/competition during the town picnic this year and I asked if I could enter and started giggling. Naturally Nat said no. So here's my idea, it's brilliant. I'm going to bake some cookies, or a cake. Whatever, it can be a pie, let's not get caught up in the actual item, it doesn't matter. But I'm going to quadruple the baking time so it turns into a blob of charcoal and enter it into the competition.

So maybe it's not brilliant at all. But you ever have one of those moments when you say something slightly silly in an ordinary situation and it just kicks off this avalanche of silliness and you can't stop laughing? That happened to me last night when I said this to Nat. The idea just struck me as so preposterous and silly that I couldn't stop laughing about it. I remember one time Lou was over and the 3 of us were talking about Nat's coworker's wife and who knows what the situation was but I said something to the effect of, "What does she have big feet or something?" And this made Lou and I laugh for what had to be half an hour, just an avalanche laugh party. Good stuff, love when that happens.

So maybe it did deserve its own section.

Cycle 42

I may have the cycle wrong but whatever.

Victim: Murray Hill, woman, Asian, 30-39, not fat, not married, not regular though the conductor seemed to know her and I've seen her before. Not sure this "regular" metric makes any sense at all. Anyway, I'd put her as Chinese-Vietnamese. Looks a little of both and has the darker skin to match. She's actually pretty hot, though I'm not sure the white pants and white purse do her any justice. And the purse that literally looks like a big white bowling bag is a bit over the top. And her makeup is thick enough I can actually *smell* it. But then her tight, low-cut top helps the cause. That, and the fact she's hot. I'd venture a camera phone pic but she's all sorts of aware, not dozing off at all. Maybe I'll just take a picture of some random hot girl in the subway. Or just google "hot asian" and use your imagination. Ok, this has gotten off track because she's not hot, she's just kinda attractive in comparison to the average chubby 45 year old NYC commuter this train is full of.

Assessment: Good.

Change Tube

That's what is written on the top of the white board in the kitchen today. Change tube. No ride today, I'll let you guess why.

I'm not one to go by omens but I do let the world flow and I tend to go with it. I allow flat tires to tell me I need a break out of the saddle. When a meteor hits my car I opt not to go to work. That kind of thing. Today was a triple omen day so I went with it.

It started at 4:30, when the alarm went off. I was tired, and I don't mean in that way we're all tired when the alarm goes off every day. I mean tired to the point I considered mailing it in and going back to bed. I'm not usually one to give up easily in these early hours, so I stuck to it and laid around for 10 minutes before I got up. But I did get up.

I was also acutely aware that it wasn't remotely light out either. The last time I got up that early it started peeping light at 4:45, maybe even a hair earlier. I was able to get on the bike at 5:05 last time. Well today, in the whole cycle of the sun rising later and later as we plummet to the dreary cold winter days as evidenced by our heat actually kicking on this morning, it was still damn dark at 4:40. And 4:50. And 5:00. So looks like I'm taking the later train.

Third omen, and I use the word omen because I'm too lazy to go back and change it to sign or excuse, was the flat tire. It was already 5:30 and it wasn't even a mental discussion. If I'm programming this it goes like such:

if (tire.isFlat())
ride.quit();

No brackets needed for the one-line if-statement. No additional logic. Just a one-to-one correllation going on there. Turned around, went back into the house, did bike laundry, took a shower, made breakfast, and wrote myself a note to change the tube.

I also wrote "Lights on bike." Now I need to make a note to sleep earlier and I won't have to worry about any omens, signs, or excuses at all. As I was going to my car to go to work, and thankfully it had not been hit by any space debris, I wondered if my big rides are taking more of a toll than I want to admit. Probably, as jumping from 90+ minute rides to 3 hour rides is a bit. I also don't think I really ever let myself rest up enough from the 11 days of life which included 6 bike rides, 240 miles, 5 days in Chicago, and 9 nights of at least a beer. Given all that I don't feel half bad really. Just a bit sleepy.

Cycle 41

Victim: Summit, Asian, woman, 30-39, regular, not fat, married. This woman has been riding the train as long as I can remember. She's always been a good cohabitant. Decent looks, wearing an odd pink/brown skirt. Reads the Wall Street Journal. She has bad breath.

Assessment: Good, since she doesn't openly breath on me so much.

I think the reality is that in the summer there are more people on vacation and thus fewer people who are forced to sit with other people. I'm noticing that more regulars are sitting with me or nobody is. This makes social dynamics less of an issue because the regulars know the game, so to speak.

I've had 2 cups of water and a coffee. I have to pee pretty badly and it looks like the train is on the slower side today. Maybe I'll just wet myself.

Monday Morning Cycle 41

Going to try and post this stuff directly from the train from now on so I don't continue to get this backlog of cycles and entries like I usually do. That means no html markup. Well, I could if I wanted to. But I have to do the tags instead of just hitting a button. I think I'm going to skip the pics from here on in just because I'm pressing my luck there.

Feeling like a waste this morning. Another 4 beers yesterday at a baby shower for one of the Mom's Club couples. That marks the 9th day out of the last 11 having at least a beer. Damn that's a bit too rich. Time to strap that shit down a little bit. Less than 3 weeks until the Darkhorse 40.

I'm not too sure how much longer I'm going to keep up the experiment. It was fun for a while but I think it may be getting old. I'll go to at least 50 cycles then see what the numbers look like and make a decision from there. Also not sure if I want to keep the 2 seater or not. I think going home the 3 seater is better. So maybe just keep a record of going in and write up the interesting ones. Most days this takes up too much time.

Cycle 41

Victim: Summit, male, white, 40-49, married, fat, regular. His buddy sits on the other side of the aisle so they want to talk the whole time. Always a black mark on the record. He's got a button down shirt. Who cares?

Assessment: Bad. Incessant talking, a bit too big.

Cycle 36-40

I'm going to post up all the partial blogs written from the last week. I need to be better about keeping this up to speed. I think I need to just start posting from the train.

Cycle 36

After work Monday.

Victim: Madison, white, woman, 50+, married, chubby chubs, regular. She hovers around the seat, considering if she really wants to take it or not. You can tell she's disgusted by the notion she has to sit next to me. She's Madison, you know? I mean Maaaaaadison, motherfucker.

She sits down and puts her forehead in her hand, like she has a headache. She has her body turned away slightly, as if my Skank will penetrate her fucking Versaci sweater. Do they make sweaters? Did I spell it right?

She pulls out an apple. Oh come on. Who are you fooling? She eradicates it in seconds, nibbling it down as close to the core as she can, hoping the center is like a Tootsie Roll Pop.

She pulls out some literature that I'm sure the Sunday Times declared fabulous and promptly drops her head forward and falls asleep. Eventually she leans over to my side too far and I have to give her the old nudge to get he back into her own space.

Assessment: Awesome. It's not every day you get to rip a co-habitant like this. Plus she didn't smell and kept to herself.

---

Tuesday morning. Got up at 4:30 today to get back on the bike. The past 2 weeks I've been working from home both Tuesday and Thursday but my boss is on vacation this week so I'm just going to make it Thursday this week. Got out for 1:15 and managed to whip myself into readiness by 6:45 and get out the door. No time to shave though.

The next 4 weekends are event free then I have the Darkhorse 40 on August 3rd. It's not part of the series but it's a good (semi) local race and it gives me something to keep an eye on. Plus it will force me to get more saddle time in an effort to better prepare for 40 miles off road. There's a race in between but I have not broached the subject with Nat yet.

Speaking of Nat, we celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary yesterday. By "celebrate" of course I mean we played with blocks, colored, and rolled over a lot with Julia. The focus of life changes when you have kids.

Ramping back up to 5 days a week for a while. Should get a solid 4 day block running from Thursday through Sunday this week before I'm off to Chicago all of next week. Not sure how I'm going to play my time there. I'm sure they have a gym but I could also rent a bike. Need to figure that one out yet.

Cycle 37

Victim: First dupe today. Same as Cycle X. Thankfully I know this guy is a good cohabitant. Nothing of note this morning. Incidentally this is the guy I was sitting with a few years ago when the train lost power and we got stuck in the mouth of the tunnel all of 200 yards from the station. I'll see if I can dig that post up when I get to work.

Assessment: Good.

Cycle 38

Nobody

---

It's Wednesday, almost Friday. Tomorrow the market closes at 1:00 and get this, our group is allowed to work just 4 hours and call it a day. My last group would tell you, at about 3:00, that it was ok to leave early, as long as there were no issues and you assured them they had coverage. In other words, "I refuse to give you my blessing to leave early because if anything happens I'm blaming you for leaving early." Tomorrow I'm WFH so by noon I'll be done.

Cycle 39

Victim: New Providence, woman, 50+, white, married, regular, not fat. She's actually the buddy of the woman in Cycle XX? Long black dress, huge black bag. She's seen better days. Hair looks like something from the wrong side of the story in Wizard of Oz. Closes her eyes but doesn't sleep. Perfume a hair strong but not bad.

Assessment: Good.

---

Cycle 40

End of week but it's only Wednesday. Don't feel like typing so make it short.

Victim: Dover, white, woman, 50+, married, not fat, not regular. Actually had a conversation with her about her ORT ticket. Seemed a very nice lady. She was in for a day trip with her family and exudes an excitement about city travelling that you just don't see.

Assessment: Good.

35

Monday and the first half of the H2H race season is in the books. I did 4 of the 5 races with the following results:

Wawayanda: 6th
Lewis Morris: 6th
Stewart: 15th
Kittatiny: 7th

Yesterday was the state qualifier so the field was bigger, maybe 35 if I had to guess. I had a solid race and was holding on to 3rd into the second lap until I started to cool off a bit. Felt very good for much of the ride. I still wouldn't call it a perfect race but I'm getting closer.

Cycle 35

Victim: Summit, male, 30-39, black, not fat, married regular. Smells like onions or garlic. It's kinda nasty this morning. I'm still feeling overheated from yesterday and this train car isn't nearly cold enough so the onion/garlic smell is a bit much today. Kinda making me feel ill. Otherwise totally quiet and sleeping.

Assessment: Bad due to the stink. Otherwise good.

Cycle 34

Friday evening after work. The week is so much more tolerable now that I get to break it up with some WFH days. I hit the weekend feeling much better overall. I used to be totally shot come Friday.

Nobody today. That wraps another week. Race this weekend.

Cycle 32

Forgot this from Wednesday after work:

This train is packed.

Victim: Summit, white, woman, 19-29, not fat, not married, not regular. Average height, long straight brown hair, another of the clear gloss fingernail crew. She reads a book, Everyone Worth Knowing. She's pretty non-descript. Average looks, kinda buried in her own little book world, not encumbered by the social politics of sitting next to a guy who puts superhero outfits on his fat ass and rides his bike. Black sweater, black skirt, faded white bag.

Holy shit interaction!

She starts mumbling when the conductor comes by.

Me: Huh?
Her: I have to buy a ticket.

Well she has no money, and fumbles around in her wallet. The conductor says he'll come back. I suggest telling him that she forgot her monthly at work or something, anything so he can say he did his job. She mumbles some more, and agrees. It's a valid strategy, I've seen it work before. They never make you buy a ticket.

She mumbles some more, then says it's a good idea. She seems sorta oblivious and uncaring, as if nothing is real. She eventually dives back into her book.

The conductor never comes back.

I tried to snap a picture but my phone rang. It was Steve.

Assessment: Good, regardless of the entertainment provided.

Press Your Luck

So maybe I'm pressing my luck in doing this.

Friday, end of week, feel good.

Victim: Murray Hill, white, woman, 19-29, not fat, not married, regular. Mid-short blonde hair. Jeans and a blue Yankees t-shirt (Jeter) suggest she's not in the business sector. Medium sized coach bag. Low-bling but conservative jewelry set. I'm struggling for details. Flip flops, bright red toe nail polish.

She reads some trash love book until Summit then checks out to pose for a picture...or sleep.

Oh by the way Nat read my last blog with the pics and showed me how to put the phone on silent mode so I don't have to worry about the "snap" of the picture tipping the victim off. But you know this is going to bite me on the ass eventually. Funny what you'll do when you have an audience.

She's really out of it, her head nods up and down as she falls more deeply into sleep and fades entirely. Maybe I could stick the camera in her grill and snap a pic of her nostrils. When the train pauses at the main Amtrak line she wakes briefly, looks up, adjusts herself on the seat, and goes back to sleep.

Her perfume is a hair strong, but nice enough smelling. Too much makeup.

Assessment: Good.

No Trouble Yet

Monday morning, had a really busy weekend and a little flat this morning. Slight headache which I rarely get in the morning so I know I'm a little spent or unbalanced or something or other. Had 2 enjoyable bike rides this weekend, one off-road, one on.

Terren

"I got some protein for ya."

Sweet! As I said Friday I'm going to hold off on stating for certain that this was a problem but without question I had an amazing amount of energy this past weekend, this morning's headache notwithstanding. I'm also going to leave open the possibility that my lower biking volume has something to do with it but my hunger is also totally in check.

Not really much going on here.

Victim: New Providence, male, 40-49, not fat, regular, white, married. This guy has been riding the train forever so I "know" him. Nothing special here either way. Just an average guy reading the sports section and keeping to himself. He wears glasses.

Curious that all of the sudden I'm getting a string of mostly older men. Law of averages I guess, though most of the men who commute are "older". I'm slightly on the back side of the age bell curve on this train.

This makes for boring copy.

Assessment: Good. Did I mention this was boring?

Cycle 30



Victim: a girl named Jenny. I can tell because she has a Blackberry and she's talking to her friend Hilary. Summit, white, woman, going with 19-29 though she could be 30, not fat, not regular, married. Black dress cut above the knee, black shiny bag, pink fingernail polish, long wavy red hair, very long legs. I can't really get a read on how attractive she is because she's sitting here right next to me. But I'm pretty sure she's easy on the eyes. At least her legs are.

She actually asked me if it was ok for her to sit next to me. She sat down, put her iPod on, then basically sent texts, emails, and IMs the whole ride to Summit. But she was a perfectly solid seat mate and made the reading experience much more exciting for my loyal readers.

She's another hair twirler and I eventually verify that she is, indeed, easy to look at. Eventually she looks at the ends of her hair, who knows why. Split ends? She seems bored and zones out while waiting for the next text message to show up.

Assessment: Good. Keep 'em coming. Sure beats the old man stream I've had lately.

Cycle 31



Victim: New Providence, white, woman, 19-29, not fat, regular, married. Glasses, wearing a lot of makeup, enormous bag, eating some sort of pastry and drinking seltzer water. Thin, brown hair tied up, but impossible for me to get a read on what she looks like. Hard to observe too much because she's just eating and observing the train. One of the few people who doesn't immerse themselves in a book, an iPod, email, or sleep.

Just as I wrote that she pulled out her Blackberry and started reading email. She makes the occasional noise as she reacts to something in her inbox I guess. Hmmm, grumble, fart, and so on. Clear gloss nail polish, tan long-sleeve top, navy blue slacks.

Oh she sneezes!

Her: excuse me.
Me: bless you.
Her: thank you.

We don't get much interaction on these rides you know? She sniffles after that, she has a cold. I am on the edge of a cold that Julia has. We're a seat of sickies.

She's a little too observant for me to try and snag a picture. Plus my camera phone makes a noise when it snaps. It has 4 sound options, none of which are "off". Don't we have the technology to make silent electronics?

I manage to get the standard train departing picture.

Assessment: Good

Cycle 28

I'm going to post this from the BB on the train because I can. Blogger is coolio like that. Like that. Yes yes ya'll.

I'm pretty tuckered out at the end of the day. I had absolutely nothing to do today so I went a little stir crazy by about 1:00. Still played with the PHP stuff but didn't have all my resources set up at work so it wasn't as efficient as it could be.

Catching the early train home, the 4:12 out of NYPS. Looking like this may be a solo trip, oh well.

On tap this weekend is a pre-ride of the KVSP race course with some of the team. I crashed there twice yesterday, once pretty hard. So I took it pretty easy after that. Hopefully the conditions will be a bit better tomorrow.

Sunday who knows. I may start a bit of a taper because next Sunday is the last H2H race until September. So I'm thinking a 1:15 sprint around the swamp. Then lower volume accordingly the rest of the week.

I figured out that I'm in 6th place in the H2H series standings which is good considering I shit the bed and pulled a 15th last weekend at Stewart. I guess I never really posted about that but we talk so much about the races on the team forum it seems like I'm all talked out about it. Anyway I blew my load trying to stay with the lead pack and blew up early in the race. I had also over-trained the weeks before that.

One of my teammates Ruth suggested that I might be low on protein - kinda out of the blue. Well after I looked more into my eating habits I think she may be right. We'll give it a full 2 weeks to see how that plays out but so far I think she was on to something.

Anyway, have a good weekend.

Victim: Nobody.

Old Men

Post work Wednesday. Sometimes I hate this fucking game.

Cycle 26

Victim: Father Time, or a close relative. Male, 50+, white, not fat, married, regular, Summit. I know this douche face from past trips. He's about as obnoxious as it gets. Loud, on the phone, disrespects your space. Again, this is one of those days when I question why I do this.

Why are all the really bad riders men?

He starts out by making 6 phone calls before we leave the station. Then he's constantly going in and out of his pockets, jamming his elbow into me. Tries making jokes with the conductor, but one of them is such a Luddite that they stare blankly at each other. Keeps talking to the woman in the in front of us. He makes more calls then reads a paper, constantly violating my space.

Assessment: Bad.

You know, this work from home stuff is great. Spent a good amount of time brushing up on my php skills this week which is cool because it gets me back into coding something, anything. At first I was rusty as shit but it all comes back soon enough.

Cycle 27

Feeling good this morning. I took a less aggressive seat today just to shake things up a little. Still in the middle of the train but also middle of the car which changes things a little. There doesn't seem to be a lot of people on the train today so Summit is likely.

Victim: After the train pulled out of Summit I got snagged. It was almost nobody. Summit, man, white, 50+, not fat, not regular, married. He pulls out an electronics device which looks to have Chinese characters on it. Then he pulls out a book and I see it's Japanese. Generally quiet and all he does is read but he has a jacket on and the sleeve rubs my arm which makes me either constantly itch or have to remove my arm.

Slowly his minor space violations turn into medium space violations as first his foot - his foot? - slides over and violates my shoe space. What the hell is that? Then his leg. I wonder if this guy is gay. He fits the profile but then who doesn't anymore? I can't imagine anyone would target me for something like this. Guess I shouldn't have worn my Village People t-shirt today.

As we enter the tunnel he gets up and walks to the door, thankfully. As he gets up I can verify that he smells like some recluse older people smell, with a hint of moth balls.

Assessment: Bad, a little creepy. Chalk another one up to "why am I doing this again?"

Now With Pictures!

I feel almost James Brown good this morning. Just a little thirsty. I'm glad you guys like the experiment. I sat closer to the mid-front of the train today so this won't last long.

Cycle 25

Victim: Not long at all, first stop someone sits next to me. Berkeley Heights, woman, Asian, 40-49, married, not fat though maybe a little chunky for an Asian, regular. She smiles as she sits down, appears very friendly. Busts out her Blackberry and I see from an email her name is Julie. Good guess her last name is Chen. Gotta be 50,000 Julie Chens in the world. She is wearing an entire outfit of lime green, slightly muted but lime green. If I remember I'll snap a picture on the way off the train. Her scarf is multi-colored, traditional Chinese BAM colors. Left wrist is a jade bracelet-watch, right wrist a tennis bracelet and single jade ring. Glasses. Nat's cousin once told us that Asian women dress in really loud colors because they're all thin and have straight black hair, so this is how they distinguish themselves. She sits down and types, "Day 56 on my experiment to sit next to the grossest guy I can." Eventually she pulls the New York Times.



Assessment: Good. Without question Asian woman, at least those over 30 years old, are very respectful of other people. Asian men, a different story, as more often than not they'll drool on you if you get too close. So a 40-49 Asian woman is a great seat mate, in general.

Comments

Old Skool comments today.

Terren

"Love the experiment, although I think to be more accurate, it's your writing and observations about mundane life that are so interesting and amusing. IOW the experiment could be anything, as long as it gave you an excuse to write. Keep it up. Or don't, just keep writing."

This is totally fun and makes my train ride shorter. I find myself thinking up different Jackass-like scenarios to add to the fun. Like maybe smear mustard on my face before I get on the train and see if anyone notices. Adding pictures would just raise it to a whole other level but I might eventually get myself in trouble if I do that.

FatCat

"I agree with Terren and I love the experiment as well and the voyeuristic nature of it. Great writing and I find myself laughing at my desk at times reading it. And while not every female riding companion can be a pole vaulter, it is interesting to see dynamics at work. It strikes me, w/o adding the numbers, that your % of male vs. female seat companions favor the female. Does this mean that more women ride the train and its simply the probability is higher for a female seat sharer? Is it perhaps an observation on society that a strange woman likes to sit in the seat with a strange man? Do these women feel that maybe you are a gay man and are unthreatening? The analysis could be never ending."

The social politics are fascinating. I'll lay out what I know. The train is more men, no question. When I took the window-side of the 3 seater there was about an equal split between the 3 options: man, woman, nobody. I could increase the odds of it being nobody by moving further back in the train. The odds of it not being a man were increased if a big guy, or minority, sat next to me.

So why do women often choose the 2 seater with me? Here's an odd observation. Some women will choose to sit next to a guy in a 2 seater instead of anyone in the 3 seater even if there's only 1 person in it. I guess the 2 seater is more stable? I've yet to really figure that out.

Another observation is that some women will only sit in a 2 seater next to another woman. Some guys will pick out the hottest woman in a 2 seater and sit next to her. This is a pathetic spectacle some days. Some guys are such sad cases. This is probably why some women will only sit with other women.

Another rule seems to be that you can throw out all the rules once you hit Summit. Anyone will sit with anyone because there are more people than seats so people are in a mad rush to sit down, even though the shot to NYC is direct with no stops, maybe not even 30 minutes. It's amazing how frantic some people, more often men, are at Summit.

Vinny

"I say the religious woman accidentally came across this blog a few weeks ago, scrolled down and caught a glimpse of you in your lycra outfit. She then sought you out on the train and "happened" to sit next to you. The praying was for you to give them a little touch."

I think this is likely. I forgot to mention a few things about that ride. At some point, she was lightly singing the early 90s tune, "Wiggle It, Just A Little Bit." As we entered the tunnel, she stood up and whipped her fun stuff back and forth like a blender. Eventually she declared, "It's that kind of party! I'm the mashed potatoes!"

Shit, did I mention my mother and wife read this blog? WTF is wrong with me?

Is This Thing On?

"hello? is this thing on?" - Steve

A great question, great question indeed. Well yes and no, right? It hasn't been formally turned off but it's not like my muse is flowing like a weeping wound or anything. Let me see what I can do...

Cycle 19

If you find yourself in either of these conversations, shoot yourself:

Person: Well at least it's Friday.
You: Finally!

Or

Person: it's getting hot.
You: Yeah it is.

Here's what you might as well be saying:

Person: OMG I hate conversations with you.
You: Fucking A.

Why pretend, people? I don't get it.

Anyhoooooo---

A bit of a long day but I couldn't really say why. Some days are just longer than others for reasons you can't pinpoint. Though I think many (most?) People would come up with a reason even if it's wrong. People seem to need an answer, something to identify. As I get older I think I embrace the notion of not knowing more and more. Things just are. Life just is.

So I'm tired, a bit. It's Friday so this train may be packed.

Victim: Wow that didn't take long at all as this train packed in very fast. White, woman, not fat (they never are), 30-39, regular, not married, station Summit+. Very conservative looking, like someone who could be a religious type. Brown hair, average looks, sunglasses holding her hair up, dresses up as a clown every Halloween. Pulls out an appointment book and pen then stares off into nowhere. She pulls out a book, I can't identify it. She has a red/pink blouse top and black sweater. This is interesting. She constantly adjusts her blouse top, seemingly either not satisfied with how much she covers up or how little.

Ok without question the women who sit down are much more interesting to blog about than the men. There just aren't really any social dynamics at work when a guy sits next to you.

Assessment: Good. Just sat and read and occasionally tugged at her blouse giving me mild entertainment as I wondered what was going on in her head.

Cycle 20

This one is from *last* Monday. Jeez.

You know, I feel damn good. How often does Monday roll around and you wake up 30 minutes before the alarm at 5:30 and by the time you're sitting on the train you can honestly say that you feel really, really good? Probably not often.

I rode 3 times in the past 4 days, and this heat on top of those rides really started to bog me down. By the end of yesterday I was pretty spent. My GPS links are as follows:

Thu: 35 road miles
Sat: Lewis Morris 4 race loops
Sun: 39 road miles

(Too lazy to actually link these)

I basically did another LM race Saturday, plus 1 lap. My 3 lap time was 20 seconds off my race time so it was a good pace. That left me a little empty yesterday, especially since I had 3 beers Saturday night, then was out the door at 7:00 riding in the early morning heat. Blah this stuff sucks.

Race this weekend. I'm a bit over-extended so I'm going to ride just Tuesday and Wednesday and skip Thursday and Friday this week. I need to make sure I don't totally blow myself out this week. I've been at this long enough to know I'm walking on the edge right now so I've got to keep it in check so I don't end up sick and out on Sunday.

By the time we hit the tunnel into NYC I'm feeling a bit tired. Looking forward to some oatmeal and a second cup of coffee. My coffee at home has been pretty disappointing lately. Today was particularly unimpressive. I think my current beans came from Brazil and they're nothing to write home about.

Victim: How fucked up is this? The girl who is interning for us at work sat next to me. Not sure if this should count or not. I doubt there's any chance she would have sat next to me if she didn't know me. Oh well, I guess stats are stats. But I've never had anyone I know sit next to me before. Murray Hill, woman, 19-29, married, not fat, regular. Not attractive. No...no sir, no pole vaulting in her past my FatCat friend. Thankfully she asked me if it was ok to listen to her iPod. Really, she asked me. She seems to have tabbed me as the person she should look to for guidance at work. Sucker!!! Someone smells like moth balls on the train.

Assessment: Indifferent. Not so much her but I simply don't want to feel like I have to talk to her. If she were just another passenger it would be good because she totally keeps to herself. But this is my experiment, dammit! Bah!

Cycle 21

After work Monday and the train is pretty full today. That could spell trouble.

Victim: me. Makes me rethink the experiment on days like today. Huge guy, white, married, 30-39, fat, station Summit, regular. This guy hit the seat almost running, he needed to sit down so bad. Take it easy people. He's a male nurse, wearing all green. Has some sort of electronic device he holds 6 inches from his face. The big fat huge woman behind us is humming. Literally humming. She's a regular cow and I knew I should have stayed away because I know she's loud. He pulls out a Macbook.

Assesment: Bad. Sorry bro you're too big.

Cycle 22

I sat further back in the train today. This probably changes the station to Summit and I think rules change once you get there as people take any seat regardless of train social politics.

Victim: Summit, woman, Asian, regular, married, 40-49, not fat. This woman has been taking the train as long as I can remember. Like clockwork she's on this train then she takes the A subway uptown from Penn Station. Goes to the iPod right away. Moderately attractive, nothing really of note to write about here.

Assessment: Good. She's a regular who knows the train game and as such she's a good seat companion.

Cycle 23

Friday morning.

Victim: Summit, woman, married, 30-39, not fat, white, regular. Decently attractive, wearing a crazy tight light gray top that exposes her ample "assets" quite prominently. Now follow me here. I understand that she wears this to bring attention to her breasts. I get it, it's what some people do. But here's the inconsistency. She opens up a little prayer book, reads a prayer, then does that little prayer thing with her hands over her heart or whatever, the "north south east west" thing.

I'm having trouble mixing the 2. If she's a highly religious woman why is she displaying her C cups for everyone to see? This is one of those "no doubt" shirts. It's like putting nothing but a sock on your junk and saying, "Yeah, nobody will notice that."

She pulls out an iPod then opens a few bills then tries to go to sleep.

Assessment: Bad. As much as I'd love to always sit next to big breasted religious women in tight shirts, she kept violating my space with her elbow and jamming it into my arm.


Cycle 24

Monday morning, today

Victim: Summit, white, male, 19-29, regular, not married, not fat. IPod on. Cheesy shave as if he's 2 days into growing a goatee. Pretty boring overall. Pretty ugly I think.

Assessment: Indifferent. Not bad but he was hot to sit next to, radiating heat.

Hair Twirling

Not really a whole lot going on here today. It's Friday and the week is ending. I laid out my last bunch of riding days and yesterday just added to that tally. 35 miles in the hills with an 18.6 average. Really firing up a good pace these days. I started to lose it a bit at the end but I attribute that to the 4th balls-out workout in 5 days. Today I rest. Woke up at 192 today. The defragmentation is working so far. My eating habits were fucked after vacation, plain and simple.
The weekend is my trying to find 4-5 hours to ride in between 3 different social events. Life. Saturday should be cool but there will be beer, and that's not what I need if I want to hit 189 before the Stewart race. Beer.

Steve said, "i made you laugh? i'm glad i was able to contribute to your experiment. still-too-lazy-to-log-on-steve." I was reading my PMs and something you said to Mike (from the team) about the photographer made me laugh.

After the race Chris commented that, "I'm pretty sure I rode as hard at times on Thursday as I did during the race. You put in good rides both days, Norm." Both days were really good rides for me, no doubt. Plus yesterday and that's like 3 rides close to race effort in 8 days. Ride hard, make it count. I'm hoping to really sharpen my game for these last 2 races.

Cycle 18

Wearing a dark green shirt and brown pants. I have not worn this shirt since I Blimped Out. Shaved yesterday.

Victim: New Providence, woman, married, not fat, 30-39, regular, white. Orange-ish bag, Blackberry, long blonde hair, attractive, probably as tall as me. Wearing a beige suit, lightly striped. Nothing gaudy like the previous pretty blonde girl who I sat with. Her fingernails are glossy, no color. No superfluous jewelry. She twirls her hair unconsciously. How is it that both attractive blonde girls have done this? Her music is absurdly loud. She hammers away at her Blackberry the whole time, much like me. I can only assume she is assessing me, something like, "Why does this guy keep glancing at me and then typing? Is he taking notes? God it's so gross. I wish he would ask me out. I better twirl my hair."

Assessment: Tough one. I'd go with Good but her music was too loud. If I were trying to read it would have been bothersome. But she was very space respectful and she didn't have absurd perfume and no cell phone. Music not that bothersome so I'll say Good.

Cycle 17

After work Wednesday, nothing of note to encourage or discourage someone to sit next to me. Still wearing a red shirt and black pants.

Victim: Male, white, 40-49, not fat, not regular, not married, Chatham. Could be 30-39 but I'm going with my first guess. Very tall, goofy looking. Wall Street Journal. Blackberry - who doesn't have one these days? Too big to be sitting next to me. His name could be Charles. He was often beat up in grade school until he got tall. He cannot dance. His favorite color is blue. He is wearing a suit with no tie. Reads the paper and violates my space. Ass.

Assessment: Bad. Was almost good but he's too big. Sit with someone smaller, man. Then the constant space violation with your lame newspaper sealed the deal. Really you had so much going for you but you flushed it all down the drain with a few dumb decisions.