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Monday, January 12, 2015

10 Mind Blowing Ways to Lose Weight

It occurs to me that as someone who has once lost a lot of weight, I could offer any number of suggestions on how you, too, could lose weigh in this post-holiday season. Everywhere you turn these days you see 10 or 20 or 30 mind-blowing facts about fats & sugars and oils and polypropylene, But the fact remains as such. Until you have been proven to be some sort of quasi-Higgs Boson, you probably do not violate the known laws of physics. As such, you will need to lose that Xmas poundage the good old-fashioned way. Here are just a few tips I have put together to help you do this, in numbered format.

Always consult a physician before trying any of these.

1. Start drinking at noon, pass out, miss dinner.

This mostly works for those people who do shots. The higher the proof, the more likely it is to have a negative calorie deficit when you subtract the liquor calories from the missed dinner calories. Some people would suggest that you try and skip dinner entirely. But my advice is to make it physically impossible to eat by putting yourself in a sort of short-term coma.

2. Shoot yourself in the stomach.

By putting a hole in your stomach, this will generally greatly lower your desire for food. In the event that you still want to eat, a well-placed hole will allow you to eat and the pull the food out as it passes towards your intestines. This simple trick has been used in mafia circles for decades.

3. Gargle with motor oil.

This comes from ancient Hindu texts that suggest that covering the face and tongue with a fine oil will remove the taste sensation and limit us further in falling into the sensory pleasures in life. More practically, this will make you vomit a lot and ruin your taste buds for days. Try a motor oil cocktail 1-2 times a week for best results. Occasionally, you can try a motor oil cleanse as well, to purify the system.

4. Add a bottle of mustard to everything you eat.

Failing the above, more extreme suggestions, you can try this remedy which will make everything taste strongly of, well, mustard. Even the biggest mustard lover will cringe at the thought of consuming 4-6 bottles of mustard a day. Best practice here is to not use an expensive mustard, as the cost will eventually make this method somewhat prohibitive.

5. Eat more fiber, like the fibrous stalks of the tree branches in your yard.

Fiber creates the feeling of fullness. And this method of fiber consumption helps clean your yard up as well, which makes you feel good about your self-esteem, something that is presumably low to begin with being that you're a fat load and all. Added bonus for calories burned as you collect the fiber. Note that eating grass is generally not recommended.

6. Eat only animals that you kill yourself, with your hands.

Possibly illegal in some states, particularly in the south. Regardless, it is proven effective, especially with larger prey such as lions & tigers. Start small, then work up to more challenging animals. Chipmunks are a great way to start as are squirrels. Dumb, prevalent, and not too nasty if you're quick enough.

7. Lock yourself in a non-edible cage and throw the key far away.

By removing yourself from any source of food, this limits the amount of food you can consume. Some argue that if you load the cage with food before you lock it, this averts the solution. However, by throwing away the key, you will soon run out of food and be left with nothing to gorge on. Negative here is potential death by starvation.

8. Run 19 miles a day.

By running 75% of a marathon every day, you will create such a calorie deficit that it will be physically impossible to gain weight. Long term, the idea is to generally drive the subject mad and they stop eating because running destroys the soul of most people long-term. Some have found this method perfect for those who cannot stop eating no matter what they try. Running this much allows them to eat anything whatsoever they want. Additional home budget line items for running shoes needs to be considered in this solution.

9. Weld your fridge shut.

Similar to #7, by removing all sources of food, the subject has no recourse but to not eat. Weak points of this method are that all food is not stored in the fridge. A second option to this is to put all food in the fridge before you weld it shut, or just throw it away after you're done. Guests tend to think your house much less welcoming when you are not able to give them a cold drink, however.

10. Staple your stomach shut with a nail gun.

By removing space for the food to go, the food has nowhere to go. Simple, right? Those that try to gorge will end up vomiting a lot. This tends to make one's friends avoid them.

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