Walrus

One of the train conductors on my normal 6:58 train to NYPS* is a big black Chris Rock "baking bread pump fat" woman with an attitude that stretches from Gladstone** all the way to NYPS. If I wasn't on the BB I would try to find a youtube link of the Chris Rock episode. To get the gist, I think his quote is something like this: "You know who I love? Big fat black women. Because they don't give a fuck what you think." He then goes on to talk about how they dress, and the pumps with the fat legs and how it looks like they're baking bread in their shoes. Good stuff.

* New York Penn Station

** Gladstone is where this train starts.

Anyway, this woman not only has an attitude, she's dumb as bricks*. I can only guess that this is why she puts so much perfume on that I can smell her half a train car away. That equates to something like 30 feet, which is quite a lot in a highly ventilated space. When she gets next to you it's like nothing you can imagine. Well, that's not true, since there are women like this all over.

* not Mensa bricks either.

So what would cause you to wear so much perfume? If you were a walrus, ok I get that. I can see that if you woke up in the morning smelling like sea water and kelp* you might think that you smell so badly that you have to do something to cover that stink. My first thought would be to move out of the ocean. But if that's out of your control, I guess copious amounts of perfume is your alternative.

* yes I know that's a sea lion but I have no idea what a walrus smells like.

I don't think this woman is a walrus at all. I'm not sure, but I don't think walruses* are indigenous to New Jersey. So I tend to doubt she migrates and/or commutes from Canada** every morning. So I guess maybe she just stinks? Another guess is that she has decided that certain body parts are going to be covered in perfume, period. Say we take an arm, for instance. Maybe she wants her whole arm covered in perfume. Now on any non-pump fat woman this is a fair amount of perfume. But on the walrus it's double or triple. Or maybe she just keeps going and going and can't stop, I don't know. It's a mystery to me why some women use that much perfume save for those unfortunate souls who have no bowel control.

* walri?

** or wherever they're found. Canada makes sense right?

As you may have noticed*, I'm employing the asterick footnote method** to go on tangets***, ask less than pertinent questions**** and say something somewhat related to but not precisely in line with the narrative*****. This is a popular Internet trend right now that I sometimes like, but sometimes don't. I'm not sure if it's useful or not but I think it's one of the things that you see too much of, much like the expression "not so much". If I hadn't overused the astericks in this paragraph, it would beg for a footnote to allow the narrative to continue on perfumed walruses******. But that story is over so it's ok. Anyway, it goes like this. Some people like perfumed walruses*******. Me, not so much. The problem here is that "not so much" is so 2005. It's 2008 people.

* I'm sure you did.

** like this.

*** or cosines.

**** what time and how burnt?

***** I have never eaten walrus meat.

****** walri?

******* ok I'll stop.

So no worries, I'm sure the asterick footnote method will end soon*. Until then, feel free to come up with your own alternate theories as to why someone would douse themselves with perfume as such**.

* or not

** the excuse, "I was on fire and had no water" is not passable.