We make holes in teeth!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

The Poop Chronicles

I don't really feel like writing a blog entry today so I'll start off with that statement and go from there. For the second night in a row I was able to not eat in the middle of the night. I did a little reading on it and it seems this is a fairly common "problem". I put it in quotes because I wonder if it's not just fat Americans being fat.

Basically the premise is that people wake up and eat to compensate for something they're deficient in. Maybe water, vitamins, salt, or simply calories. Nat and I contend that we eat a salty diet but most days I crave salt at some point. Now I'm not talking an inclination towards salty foods. I'm talking about a desire to drink pickle juice or ketchup. I'm not joking. Sometimes it's that strong.

As a result I've been a little more free with the salt shaker and I make sure I drink water when I eat salty food. If I'm having salt shortages I'm probably having water absorption issues as well. In addition, the last 2 nights I have taken my multi-vitamin before bed and not in the morning. Both nights I have not woken up starving. I've also started keeping a sleep log/chart. I write down what time I go to bed, what time I wake up, and for how long. I also keep track of how many calories I eat.

It's funny how a simple piece of paper can force your hand. On this piece of paper I have a time written down. Last night it was 1:20. If I woke up before 1:20 I wasn't allowed to eat anything. After that, fine. So I woke up at 11:50 and went to take a leak and went back to bed. I woke up again at 1:20 exactly and took a leak and decided to go back to bed. Funny how that works.

Here's the takeaway: the mind is a wildly complex place. There are all sorts of buttons there to push and it can take you a lifetime trying to figure out what those buttons do, where they area, and in what combinations they work.

Here's the alternate takeaway: I'm absolutely insane in my desire to drop more pounds.

Hey I'm not delusional. I know I sound nuts. At least I haven't started weighing my food. Yet. The practical application is that I sleep more soundly which is pretty important. There's the added bonus of potential weight loss but the reality is that I'm not sleeping well enough, which is much more detrimental to my bike performance than 5 extra pounds.

Uh-oh, I said the word bike. FatCat may have just tuned out. From yesterday.


"Ok, I don't know Walter, or this dude who decided to poo in the oven or his wife and I guess since I don't know any of them I don't feel either good or bad for any of them either. I'm indifferent... kinda like watching NYC 6:00 news on Channel 4 and not registering that another person was shot in Astoria or there was a 7 car pile up on the Cross Bronx Expressway... it just doesn't affect my world. That said, something about this blog entry has me laughing my head off. Maybe it's just all this poo talk and its general outlandishness. I think this reaction is entrirely valid too. I watch Dirty Jobs religiously so that's somewhat of an explanation. Mike Rowe rules! Ok, then you started talking about biking again... sorry I checked out there. I was too interested in the poo story and I'm tired."

Well I have plenty of shit notes. You know, if you eat a healthy diet of fruits and veggies you sure crap like a healthy donkey. Another one is that my friend's sister in high school convinced her boyfriend that girls didn't shit. Finally, as I was dressing my daughter after her bath the other day I started tickling her and she started laughing and then grunting and I saw a turtle head poke out. I slapped that diaper on right quick. She didn't finish that particular job until 24 hours later.

Get in my belly!



  • At 10:15 AM, Anonymous FatCat said…

    Well, FatBastard, I laughed again and I'm sorry it was at your daughter's expense but the turtle sighting got me. Funny stuff. 24 hours tho... I'd be grunting too. Oooofa.

  • At 3:18 PM, Blogger shaggz said…

    a few things i learned on vacation. i read somewhere that the average american makes approximately 200 food-related decisions a day (don't ask me, i'm just regurgitating facts).

    this popped (i almost typed pooped) into my mind as i was sitting on the plane - stopped for some gorp prior to boarding, then decided to pick up a turkey sandwich in case the airline food was bad. then had to choose which drink i wanted, followed by whether or not to take, then whether or not to eat the bad airline food, then 2 more decisions on beverages, then should i eat the peanuts. all the while wondering if i should be digging into the snack and turkey sandwich.

    my 4 year old son thinks poop, fart and peepee are the funniest words to roll off the tongue. everything is "poopee head", i want to go to the "pooper market", is that pee pee in your glass?, etc. Now since he finds this funny, my 2 year old daughter runs around the house saying "poopee" and we say "no poopee talk", which she promptly responds with "poopee talk" and a shit eating grin.

    how does this relate to my trip? imagine 2 almost middle age men driving in a eurovan from CA to UT and back with a 3 day stay in Zion. Sadly, some of the highlights of trip involved pooping, peeing and farting. i guess this stuff never grows old.


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